Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Rabbit Joke for "E"aster

An Easter joke for you folks. Yes, it's a little late.
Let's say it's in memory of the recent Easter.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest; you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. The rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest; you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his cocaine, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest; you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and beats the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they ask, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Beautiful British Columbia Bye-Bye

The very reason that people move here is vanishing as more people move here. It's beautiful British Columbia. We have mountains, we have ocean, we have rivers, we have densely forested parks, and that's just in the Greater Vancouver Regional District.

Because of the beauty, people want to move here. People want to visit here. The area tries to accomodate these people. The housing goes further up the mountains, losing the trees that made it pretty. When I was quite young, my family lived right next to a half-block of undeveloped area right off West Fourth in Vancouver; behind where Capers is now. I have fond memories of playing in an overgrown field, picking dandelions with a neighbor friend to bring back to my mom. We moved out of there when I was around 5 or so. It wasn't long after that that apartments were built where the field used to be.

There is a hiking trail that I've done a few times in my life, and it is now under attack. West Vancouver's Eagleridge Bluffs is being harmed in the name of highway expansion for the Olympics. Where does this fit in to the government's promise of the greenest Olympics ever? With this, and with the Port Mann fiasco, B.C. Transportation Minister Kevin Falcon is vying for the position of jblue's enemy number one. Currently ahead of Falcon are David Emerson and Father Ponti. Falcon nudges ahead of Todd Bertuzzi.

Anyway, I would like to join the protestors at Eagleridge, but am unable to do so. I applaud their efforts and hope that it is not in vain.

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Barry Bonds

The following article can be found in full at The

Make-A-Wish Foundation Asked To Punch Barry Bonds In The Nuts

AMES, IA -- Members of the Make-A-Wish Foundation struggled to come up with a response to a dying 9-year-old boy’s request that they punch slugger Barry Bonds in the nuts repeatedly. The boy, Danny Wickman of Ames, Iowa, reportedly hates Bonds and wants nothing more than to see him in debilitating pain. The director of the foundation said that it was the first such request that he had ever received.

“That’s a first. Obviously the kid really hates Barry Bonds, as a lot of people do, but I don’t know if we can comply with his request,” said Charles Hopkinton, managing director of Make-A-Wish. “We’ll have to call Barry and see if he’s OK with it. I mean, it is his dying wish, so we should do everything we can to make it happen. What really strikes me though, is the fact that he [Danny] isn’t even interested in doing it himself. He's happy just to watch someone else do it. Now that’s hatred.”

Wickman has been diagnosed with tuberculosis and is expected to live another six months. Upon hearing about his condition through a mutual friend, Hopkinton immediately met little Danny to set him up with the foundation. After mulling over his wish, Danny decided it would be fun to watch his least favorite ball player get punched in the nuts.

Mary Wickman, Danny’s mother, said her son has always had a deep, seething resentment towards Bonds.

“[Danny] is not some stupid kid who blindly worships athletes. He only roots for guys who are good people. He’s heard enough Bonds interviews, as we all have, to know that the guy is an arrogant, selfish prick. I’m sure a lot of people in America would love to see the guy gets his nuts rammed with a sledgehammer. I know I would.”

Hopkinton has been trying to come up with a way to present the idea to Bonds. He does not expect the slugger to agree to have his testicles punched, but he may agree to make an appearance with young Danny, at which point they could ambush him.

“As bad as it may sound, we might have to trick him into showing up, then just sneak in a few quick cock-punches so Danny can get his wish. After that, we might have to run like hell, but this is a kid’s dying wish. We can’t say no. And frankly, we don’t want to.”

“I know this guy doesn’t do autographs and things like that,” said Hopkinton. “I know he has a track record of turning down charity causes. I know because one time I asked him to send a sick kid a signed 8 x 10 and he said no. He just had to sign it and send it out. He said he was ‘too busy.’ Then I told him that he could just have his secretary sign it and send it out, and the kid wouldn’t even know any better. He said ‘Nah, she’s too busy.’ Then I asked him to just turn his head slightly and look in the direction of the young boy, who was sitting behind the dugout. He just said ‘Nah. Got a sore neck.’ That’s why, if we can pull this off, I’ll be the first in line to smack him.”

While most sick children request time with athletes they admire, Wickman said he'll be perfectly content to see an athlete he does not admire suffer greatly. When asked why he had such antipathy for the hall-of-fame slugger, young Danny answered with his usual candor.

“Why do I hate Barry Bonds? There’s no specific reason. I just think he’s a dick,” said Wickman. “He’s so conceited and he thinks he’s better than everyone else and he’s sits there in that stupid reclining chair in the clubhouse like he’s the king of the world or something. Having this disease really sucks, but I swear I’ll die happy if someone punches Barry in the nuts. It’s easy. All they have to do is get a press pass to go into the Giants locker room after a game, pretend they're a reporter, and give him a couple quick punches. That’s all it takes to really hurt someone. Is that too much to ask, Mr. Hopkinton? Don’t you want to make a dying boy happy?”

At the top of the page: July 6, 2004
At the bottom of the page: Copyright 2003
Does this mean it's fake? Irregardless, I love it. If anyone can find any other info about it, please let me know. Kudos to Mattias for sending me the link. Why didn't you put it up on your blog?


In a recent Sports Illustrated, a letter writer suggested the following measures for Bonds: Starting with his first at-bat of the season, every opposing team should intentionally walk him every time he's up. They should keep this up until he is shamed into leaving the game of baseball for good. What a great idea. If only it was suggested with more advance warning.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Wedding Prep Classes

Biscotti and I have completed two thirds of our wedding preparation classes. Thus far, it's been far less useful than I thought it would be, than it could be, than it ought to be.

Some things from today's class

One presenting couple, married several years, cited some statistics regarding
divorce rates. Divorce rate is 1 in 2. Among couples that attend church regularly, divorce rate is 1 in 5. Among couples that pray every day, divorce rate is 1 in 1000. (I don't know exactly where they got these statistics. They mentioned a few sources, including Reader's Digest. Hardly scientific.) The female of the couple ended their presentation by encouraging us to try to be the 1 in 1000. Huh? The 1 in 1000 is what we're trying not to be. We want to be one of the 999. Hmm, truth be told, we actually want to be the one of the 1 in the first stat. (You know, the good one.)

Before the wedding day: laid-back (positive characteristic)
After the wedding day: laziness (negative characteristic)

Seating at the classes is theatre style, with minimal interaction between couples-in-training. Everyone is attempting to have an air of sophistication; behaving good and proper. Sitting in the front row last Saturday and today was a guy in a Leaf's hat. One presenting couple talked of meeting each other many years ago while studying at U of T, then motioned towards the aforementioned guy and said, "Go Leafs." Without hesitation, the room of 100+ began booing. It was great.