Rodney Dangerfield

I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home." I went over - nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work and saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early.

It's been a rough day. When I got up this morning I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.